Something Missing

Today I had a startling revelation: I have no goals.

While that is not entirely accurate, as I have big, long-term goals, I have no specific goals. No plan.

Growing up it was get these grades, take these classes, earn this scholarship, graduate with this degree, get this job, get this promotion, do this, work here, get married, figure out how to have a baby (all jokes aside, this was more complicated than one might think giving my odd medical issues) ...

I've done all of that. And while there are plenty of things for me to continue doing ... I don't feel compelled to do any of them. There is no longer any joy in my career, no motivation to climb higher. Been there. Done that. Really didn't enjoy the experience. I've migrated out of the Hobbit Hole into a place I can really call "home," even if I don't own it. I have Baby Girl and Himself ... and even Son's visit this summer has been pleasant.

That's not to say I am content or particularly happy. I am blessed in many respects, but I also realize there are some big things that need to be tackled. I spent my 20s racing for yet another finish line. I would like to spend my 30s enjoying my life. Spending less time worrying about getting ahead, figuring my life out and more time ... Living.

A movie for which I've seen previews talked about having a "Bucket List." In the subsequent months since it came out, I've thought a lot about it. I have this long, intangible list in my head of things I want to do, go, learn. This morning I realized, none of them will ever happy if I keep exisiting instead of living. Nothing will change if I keep living to satisfy everyone else's expections of what my life should be.

I want to play the piano again (which would take a piano and about 15 other things) and this time, as I practice, really pay attention to music theory - something my instructor tried to pound into my head for 10 years and I never fully appreciated. I want to take up running again. I want to write seriously. Spending time working on it. I want to go to Europe and the Canadian Rockies and a dozen other places. I want to take up backpacking. I want complete my grandmother's cookbook - complete with photos and binding. I want to have playdates for Baby Girl. I want to teach her more sign language and the difference between a lion and a kitty. I want to start quilting again.

I want to Live. I don't want to spend 2 hours cooking and cleaning every night, only to have to repeat it all again, then put Baby Girl to bed, do laundry, run errands, read for 15 minutes and then sleep - only to wake up late because I stayed up late.

I want to stop feeling like the bread winner, the maid and The Parent (which is happening more and more due to Himself's work schedule and the addition of Son and Nephew this week) - and feel like a person with a husband and a little girl and a life. I want to be dimensional. I don't want to be tired all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting every single day. And I want the laundry basket and the washer and the dryer to be empty for once (or twice).

But I need a plan. And someone to tell me I'm not selfish or ridiculous.

And that's when I start to feel tired and overwhelmed ... and head for the laundry room. After all, there are still clothes in the dryer.