Domestic Hijinks

4 bushels of apples
1 bushel of green tomatoes
1/2 bushel of ripe, red tomatoes
8 lbs. of ground elk
1 blind guy
1 incredibly domestic diva
1 domestic flunkie
2 infant girls

Somehow, while at my parents' house last week, my dad, sister and I managed to create a 2-day marathon involving food, countless dishes, all four burners on the kitchen stove, plus the two burners on the gas stove outside, the oven, the neighbor's steamer, the food dehydrator, the Vita Mix, the juicer, some funky fruit/vegetable puree machine, every pot my mother owns and a surprising amount of fun.

I've never been so exhausted.

On my way down to my parents' house, I stopped by an orchard and picked up 4 bushels of apples, adding them to the tomatoes I was bringing down. The produce, added to one retired blind guy (my father) and myself, turned into a kitchen marathon not seen in my mother's kitchen in a decade. My sister (domestic goddess that she is) was recruited to help supervise and to lend a hand, thereby increasing the number of projects we could have going at one time.

The kitchen hummed along. At one point, both girls (Baby Girl and my niece) were in their seats on the counter - involved in the action. At another point, my sister had my niece strapped to her in a Snugli and I was peeling apples with Baby G swaddled and over my shoulder.

My mom made the mistake of coming home for lunch on Day 1 - and turning right back around and fleeing back to work at the first opportunity. When she came home that night she hid in the den until shouts of "All Clear" eminated from the kitchen. She was afraid. Very afraid. Who wouldn't be with such a hodge-podge wrecking crew inhabiting her kitchen?

But no one complained at the results.

Day 1 Produced:
*32 pints of applesauce

*Enough juice for 32 half pints of apple jelly (the apple jelly would have been made and canned as well, except no one could find the recipe and everyone was too scared to call mom, lest she go completely nuts and run away until all signs of Dad's "project" had abated.

*2 apple pies

*1 pan of Danish Apple Bars

*10 pints of green tomato (chalupa) sauce - (this in addition to the 16 pints' worth I had made for myself before my trip down south to visit the parents)

*And a pork roast to go with the green tomato sauce for dinner

Day 2 Produced:
*22 pints of applesauce

*Enough juice for another 32 half pints of apple jelly

*Elk jerky

*8 pints of homemade tomato bisque

*And a pan of homemade chicken and dumplings for dinner

With the help of a neighbor, Google and some information in Mom's pantry, we taught ourselves to can - with startling success. We peeled, cut, simmered, sirred, measured, juiced, sauced, bottled, sealed, froze, dehydrated and cleaned for the entire two days, all the while regaling each other with funny memories of other kitchen marathons from childhood ('Remember when mom used to circle the bottle to mark the worms that accidentally got in the peaches because dad couldn't see them?", "Remember S using a plastic knife to help since he was too little for a real one?" "Remember the 25 dozen cookies we made for Dad's fire crew?" and on and on).

The kitchen was a cacophony of timer bells, knives chopping, hot water hissing and shouts of "hooray!"" each time a bottle of applesauce sealed and popped - accompanied by the occassional fussy baby noises. When we were done, we dined on the fruits of our labors.

When Mom finally dared ask about the results of the domestic endeavors, Dad proudly proclaimed, "This canning stuff is fun! I'm going to have to do it more often." When she reminded Dad that the produce season was almost over, he exlaimed, "That's okay! I'm going to teach myself to bake bread next."

Mom just sighed.

I hope that heaven is as wonderful as those two days.