The Plan

I'm beginning to wonder if there is any kind of order or plan to the chaos that is life right now. I can't help but feel a little like a hamster in an exercise wheel. Things keep happening, but the scenery is staying the same.

My brother, E2, called yesterday. He has a fabulous new (to him) house and a fabulous new job, a fabulous new girlfriend and a horse trailer that has a queen-sized bed in it (for the human, not the horse). He said, "You know, if you ever wanted, I could get you a job here back in real estate."

Sign me up and call the movers.

Except, well, that was The Other Life. Where I calculated the best opportunities and went where they were - a plan created around progress and a selfish pursuit of knowledge and challenge. Who needs anything else, really, when you're the only one around whom the plan needs to revolve? And, The Frontier isn't so bad as long as I'm not looking to do much of anything with my career.

Never mind that, cancel the movers.

I'm not a very patient person (shocking!). I'm neurotic. A reforming control freak. High-strung. An insomniac. An adrenaline junkie. Which makes the wheel spin faster and therefore takes awhile to realize,

"Hey! I'm not actually going anywhere fast!"

Right now, I'm at one of those points. Which drives a impatient, neurotic, exhausted, strung-out-on-adrenaline planner like me nearly insane (taking everyone with me along for the ride).

I like to know where I'm going, what time it is and approximately when I'll end up there. Whether it is a road trip or life, I have this primal need to have a map and a clock on hand at all times. I hate to not know where I am or what time it is. I would make Frank Gilbreth proud, in that most journeys from Here to There (literal and virtual) must be primarily about efficiency.

And a hamster wheel model is only efficient if you're trying to lose weight.

Then there is the whole issue of over-planning. I would plan to the last detail, years out, leaving no room for surprises, tragedies, unforseen events or the big stick that God likes to stick in the hamster wheel once in awhile to remind me who is really in charge. Come to think about it, I might be very close to one of those points too.

It's not about a career or a house or trying to figure out how to survive the looming financial crisis. It's about living. I know, life is not figuring out how to dodge the storms so much as it is learning to dance in the rain. But the thunder and lightening get more and more ominous and the dancing s getting a little freaky, and I just want to know where the exit is. I grew up in a desert, you learn to stay out of storms and come out and dance in the puddles. When does that part come in?

In last week's finance class we learned that over a 10-year-period everyone goes through a major financial setback. I had to sit on my hand to keep from raising it and asking what one does when setbacks are so common that regular life is what happens once over a 10-year-period.

I'm exhuasted. I'm sick of the scenery from this wheel-o-fun. I have motion sickness. I want off this ride - even just for a moment - to regain my equilibrium, take a deep breath and get my bearings.

And maybe, just maybe, put together a little plan. Not too detailed. Not too crazy. Just something to let me know that I'm not going to be running like a hamster until I'm dead.