Hello, Thirteen

Last week I looked in the mirror and was startled to realize I was looking at my 13-year-old self (13 plus several pounds and some assorted stretch marks - of course!).

There, in the mirror, was the same face that stared back at me at 13, and it made me want to cry.

When I was 13, I had THE WORST skin. Horrible. It began a series of trips to the dermatologist. My mother (bless her porcelin-skinned genes) was worried about acne scarring (and about me eventually blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life because someone had to be responsible for looking like I'd been attacked with a red Sharpie in my sleep).

I tried every single product on the market - including a 2-year stint on a drug now known to cause serious, long-term side effects. The meds helped on Tuesdays, Saturday mornings and every other Wendesday afternoon - in other words, there was no real evidence that they had any kind of measurable, lasting impact.

No worries, my mother said, this only lasts a little while. In 10 years, you will look back and laugh at this.

Except, it has been nearly TWENTY years, and I'm not laughing. I am still looking at the same face in the mirror. Oh yes, over the last decade there have been times when it hasn't been so bad - I went an entire nine months feeling like an adult, as my skin magically cleared up while pregnant with Woodstock. But those times were few and far between.

In college, I tried a new-to-market "miracle" drug. It took care of my skin all right, but I had to sign my life away, traipse into the doctor's every month for a blood test, and it made my joints hurt and my mouth shrivel up for lack of saliva.

It wasn't worth it.

I tried a mail-order solution that works, but only as long as you use it. It was axed in the first round of budget cuts after college (yes, I had more disposable income making $400/month in college than I do now ... go figure).

I have used every single brand of cleanser on the market - drugstore and high end. Doesn't matter. They all work more or less the same. In fact, the ones marketed to teens in the drugstore work the best, because I have teenaged skin.

Most of it is related to a hormone imbalance, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I have an odd plea to the universe: Just once I want to look my age instead of 13. Just once I want to look in the mirror and not see painful little bumps. Just once I want to proclaim - to hell with the make-up I'm going naked (on my face)!

Maybe I should dress up as a teenager for Halloween this year.