I think this is where I'm supposed to feel something...

After spending from November to April essentially numb, I've enjoyed a rebirth of feeling - mad, happy, excited, angry - doesn't really matter, the prick of feeling is something to be celebrated after a 4-month absence where everything was gray and muted.

But while my numbness had worn off and the thick coat of depressive plodding through life began to dissipate, my anxiety continued to roller coaster. In my armchair psychoanalysis, I would say that the break in weather contributed to the lifting of the mind-funk fog, but did little for my anxiety.

It has cost me so much - this constant furor in my brain - the continual crackle of static electricity in the background of every thought, every conversation, every moment that might be quiet. Head shrinking worked, but not when I couldn't go every week, due to the fact I have the most popular head shrinker on the planet (or so it seems), who is (unfortunately for me) a stay-at-home-mom all but one day and one evening a week.

So ... out came the little blue pills. I railed against them for six months - certain I'd be a slave to them forever. But the job disaster was just too much. I couldn't sacrifice one more thing to this horrible feeling of chronic "fight or flight."

Now? I haven't had any kind of panicky meltdown in a week - I quit my job without freaking out. I go through the day without freaking out about suddenly having 80% of our income vaporize (I keep thinking I should ... but I just can't).

This has been my best week of work in the last 9 months.

And it's not just the "take that" euphoria of quitting. It's that I'm back to being numb. The little blue pills shave off the edges of the anxiety, but also everything else.

I think this is the part where I am supposed to feel something about that, but I can't seem to conjure up the emotional energy to go that far.