I love my mother. You should know that. As in really love her, love spending time with her, and often tell people I had about as close to a Norman Rockwell childhood as is possible when you're talking about six flawed humans living in one house.
That said, I grew up with the expectation that I should just "know" what needs to be done. It was always followed by, "what happens when you're in the workforce and you expect to be told every little thing to do?" There were, very often, days when mom would sigh in exasperation and say, "I wish someone could just look around and see what needs to be done."
Problem is? Her definition of "needs" to be done and mine (and my siblings', and sometimes my father's) were totally different. I didn't think the baseboards needed cleaning (as it turns out, they do, at least once in awhile - I discovered that after neglecting mine for a very long time in protest as an adult). I didn't know why it was a problem that every spot on the counters be cleaned off and de-cluttered. (I do now, but as a kid? Eh, not so much - and Himself still wonders why I go into orbit if there are things on the 2' of counter space my kitchen actually has). Sometimes, stuff did need to be done, I just didn't understand why I had to do it without someone asking me.
A couple of years ago, I spent my commute listening to a marriage enhancement session on CD during my commute. One of the things the speaker pointed out was, "Don't just assume someone has the same priorities or needs as you do, and don't assume they can read your mind."
It struck me, because I'd always functioned under the guise of "well, if he/she/them really cared, they'd see that this NEEDS to be done or I WANT this" or whatever. I began to realize I was expecting a lot of the universe to have its needs/priorities/wants perfectly in synch with mine. It's when I really began to discover that it really, truly DID NOT bother Himself to have dishes in the sink - and he really would get to it. I also began to realize that he really, truly did not know that it (for no apparent reason) would spark an anxiety attack and ruin my entire day if there were dishes/clutter in the kitchen. (Other places? Not so much, just the kitchen).
The key, the speaker said, was to vocalize things and the reasons why - and then to listen when your partner/family did the same. I've had a fair amount of success with it. What has been more successful, however, is understanding why some things were important to ME. Sometimes it's just my neurosis - and I really just need to deal with it. Sometimes it's really important, and I need to vocalize it. It has helped me stop repeating the same thing that drove me insane as a kid - assuming someone would feel the same way about something that I did.
I'm not a big fan of people who say "he/she/they should just know." No, they shouldn't. At least in the context of how you think/need/want/prioritize. They should know if you've had a conversation about it - in specifics. But one should not have to guess that you're really hoping (s)he does the dishes because you don't feel like it.
Maybe it makes me lazy. Or maybe I "just don't get it." But I really don't.
If you need/want something from me, ask. I might act put-together, but I'm generally clueless.
Wrong? Right? Completely off my rocker?
3 comments:
You're totally right. Of course, that doesn't stop me from being exasperated with Z sometimes when he doesn't do "what needs to be done," and that still results in him saying "I can't read your mind!" But I contest that after almost 9 years of marriage, he KNOWS the way I expect him to clear the counters/sink, etc. when he's in charge. But still.
I laughed, reading about your mom, because those first couple of paragraphs could have been talking about my mom...exactly. I still hear, almost word-for-word, that sighing wish that someone could look around and see what needs to be done (usually directed at my type B personality dad) when I'm home visiting. Too funny!
The only assumption I have is that no one knows what I'm talking about unless I actually say it out loud. I grew up with the passive-aggressive mother whose mind needed to be read about "knowing what needs to be done", too. I skedaddled toward the other end of the spectrum and instead, vocalized it all. Bruce began our domestic careers with the moniker "When you assume, you make an a-- out of you (u) and me." (He said it was the best way he knew to spell "assume.") It's a hard habit to break.
Ha, my dad uses that same "assume" line! But not with my mom... and though she thought/said people should be able to see what needed to be done and do it, she never hesitated to tell us what needed to be done. Apparently she felt like she had to say it over and over, and that "what needed to be done" should have sunk in a lot earlier... Now when I visit, I do actually try to look around w/my mom's eyes and preemptively take care of things. She is always duly impressed ;)
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