Deja Vous

In the last 13 years, I've lived in 10 cities and 4 states. I've lost track of how many addresses that includes or how many moves. There was a period of my life where the longest I lived anywhere was 4 months. In those 13 years, the longest I've lived at a single address is the 3 years we spent in No. VA together(as opposed to the first time we lived in No. VA as single people).

We're nowhere close to breaking that record. And now, it seems we're stuck in "repeat" mode - only at the moment it feels like "repeat" is stuck on pause.

Two years ago, spring of 2007, Himself and I got a hair-brained (ahem, inspired) idea to move to The Frontier. Looking back, it was a good thing. For the first 15 months or so from that point, it most definitely was NOT. Good things take patience and faith.

We knew it (the pending move) was coming. Himself's job warned us from the beginning that we'd not likely stay in the area. However, a year ago, when working for The Factory, still in the throes of deep post-partum depression and living in The Hobbit Hole, I gleefully shouted, "ABSOLUTELY!" when Himself said, "Would we be willing to relocate." And then I promptly forgot about it.

I like the '70s palace. I like the neighborhood. I like my easy commute, the relatively low cost of living in The Frontier. I like the place I was at in my life, prior to all this hold-your-breath-and-wait mumbo jumbo. I like that I have a fenced back yard, a house that's just a little too big (and never feels too small), a spot to plant a garden. I like that I finally have food on hand, because I have lots of storage space. I like that I'm minutes from hiking and camping and the great (when warm) outdoors. I adore my sitter. I love The Frontier summers - which make up for the winters I could do without. I loved that we've planned a trip to Yellowstone in June, one to Capitol Reef in late April and are within driving distance of family. I like my midwife, the OBs in her office and my perinatologist. I even like teaching teenagers every-other-Sunday.

Could all of this be replicated somewhere else? Almost certainly - at least most of it. But after years and years of change (all fine and good in your 20s and single or childless), I'm tired. I'm tired of being a bit of a nomad.

Two years ago, I made the move to a new place when I was 28 weeks pregnant. While I was closer to family, I felt isolated in my pregnancy - small office, new city, the normal transitional quirks. Then I gave birth and spent 6 weeks underground in The Hobbit Hole, feeling absolutely alone. I went back to work, and that only made it worse - winter set in (the coldest/snowiest in years), The Factory became a prison and I stumbled along.

I'm TERRIFIED to repeat that. Add this time the potential that I'll be working from home full-time with a toddler and a 3rd-trimester pregnancy, which then turns into a toddler and an infant is huge. I'm terrified. Indeed, I've learned lessons - no basement dwellings. Must have lots of windows. Must have good neighbors and a good boss. But some things? I'm not so sure I can control, other than praying very, very hard.

And, to be honest, the thought of moving again mid-pregnancy or later, to a new place and starting over makes me want to curl up and throw a stubborn tantrum. I don't want to have to find my fourth Midwife/OB in two years. I don't want to have to start the whole "here is my medical history, here's the current plan of action w/ my injections, liver monitoring, etc..." again. I don't want to have to deal with the fact that no Midwife/OB treats the same way and I may end up being on someone's high-risk-therefore-you-get-no-say list, like so many with this clotting issue. I don't want to give birth in a strange city, where I sit alone for weeks or months with two small children because I don't know a soul and my family is too far away to come.

Maybe I am perpetually grumpy. Or just irritable because we can't make plans more than 2 weeks out - just in case we find out soon where we're going to end up. Thousands of pregnant woman move daily, they don't get a choice. I can - and will - suck it up and get on with life and make it a good experience.

But it doesn't mean I'm not going to mourn a little and wish I wasn't living a repeat of my life 2 years ago.