Nevermore

I'm the first one to admit it is likely that it is some sort of character flaw, but I have trouble trusting people. In short, I have a difficult time exposing myself to be vulnerable. My brain is wired in a "protect yourself at all costs" way.

I have had very little reason to function this way - arguably because I rarely give people the chance (or enough information) to hurt me. I remain aloof and unengaged on one level as a protection - generally subconsciously.

It is rare that I meet someone and feel an immediate kinship. There are a handful of people in my life with whom that has happened - 90% of them remain long-term, good friends. The remainder are those who are in one's life for a season. I am so guarded and cautious that I leave little room for hurt, but I also leave little room for a close circle of intimate friends.

Frequently, over the course of the last several months, I have lamented that. I've been burdened with very deep thoughts, emotions and quandaries. There aren't many people whom I've allowed full access to the struggle. I'm too raw, too emotionally spent to risk it, even at a point where I only am increasing my isolation by feeling that way.

In matters unrelated to my personal life, I intuitively felt I had found a friend several months ago. Someone who beyond the professional circles we ran in, could be a sounding board, a resource, a champion. I exposed a little corner of my soul.

Yesterday afternoon, I felt the first sting of betrayal. By this morning, it was full-fledged clenching of my heart and spirit. I can't help but immediately regret my decision. The conversation in my head keeps shouting, "You knew this would happen. You can't trust people. You are so dumb." The tender part of my heart says, "but you had no way of knowing."

One step forward, two steps back. Lesson learned.
Back into my guarded state of life affairs.