Still here: On Living With Anxiety

Let's play a game.

Go to your TV set and unplug your cable or turn off the satellite box or remove the rabbit ears.

Turn on the TV so you get no picture or sound only static ("bug races" my father used to call them). Turn the sound down so you can barely hear it, and go about your day.

If you didn't get enough sleep, turn the volume up a couple of notches for each hour missed or interrupted.
If you feel tired at any point during the day, turn the volume up again each time.
Each time part of your routine is interrupted, shifted or eliminated, turn the volume up.
Each time anything is out of place, turn the volume up some more.
Each time you have to say a prayer, read anything, balance your checkbook, pay a bill, run errands, sit in silence, sit in chaos, pay attention, use a mental capacity beyond that of a small child or concentrate, turn the volume up.
Each time someone touches one of your extremities, turn the volume up some more.
If you have a child or a spouse, turn the volume up for each.
Each time your toddler empties an entire package of wipes, one by one, turn the volume up.
Each time the baby refuses to nap and only wants to be held by you, turn the volume up.
If you are not independently wealthy and are unemployed, turn the volume up.
If you have church or social commitments, turn the volume up for each one, each time.
Each time you have an unpredictable moment, turn the volume up.
Each time you are stressed, upset, disappointed, tired (again), bored, overwhelmed or challenged - turn the volume up.

Repeat daily for at least a week (do not reset the volume, the noise level must carry over from one day to the next).

If you are not deaf or insane, you win.

It's the best analogy I can come up with as to what it is like living with the constant static of my brain. While I've always been anxious and certain scenarios have triggered anxiety, over the last two years, the static has become almost constant - resulting in a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

With the first onset of winter, the new long commute, life as a working mom with two kids and all the regular instances of life, things began to get worse.

And then I lost my job.

My first thought was, "Hallelujah, I can get back to healthy."

Except that structure is my one sure way to calm the noisy static, and being a work-at-home mom doing consulting projects while trying to decide the next move (and worrying about how to cover the deficit left when one's household income plunges by 65%) leaves little structure.

I'm at the beck and call of clients and my children and the tax man and bills and Himself, who is bewildered by the woman masquerading as his wife.

Just as in the game you cannot reset the volume, I cannot reset my brain. Quiet only makes the static seem louder. Even falling on my knees in desperation makes the static so loud I can recite nothing more than the simple prayers of my toddler. Every thought is filtered through static and a gauzy veil that muddles everything.

Every single nerve is over-stimulated - and anything that touches it (literally or figuratively) short-circuits and sparks.

Falling asleep requires a singular mental challenge tough enough to quiet the static for a few moments - (analogous to putting on noise-cancelling headphones). A crossword puzzle. Multiple rounds of solitaire. Counting all the edges in a room.

Hours are spent every day trying to remember what needs to be done - trying to muster enough concentration to finish a single task - trying not to melt down or sort circuit every time something happens.

Writing a sentence, problem-solving, discipline, praying, reading, thinking, sleeping ... doing anything that is not mechanical repetition requires every available brain cell and the absence of internal or external stimulation.

This is my life from the other side of crazy. It sounds crazy even to put it into words, and yet, it is my reality - one I am desperately trying to change.

Go on, play the game. I need someone who gets it.