If I Have to Ask

For a couple of weeks now, I've been listening to a relationships seminar by a fairly well-known communications expert and family therapist in The Frontier.

My sister gave it to me several years ago, and I listened to it during my long commutes over the river and through the woods between Virginia and Maryland. That time was also a transitory time - as I anticipated the transition from "married, no kids" to "married, with child." Just as now I am transitioning from "married, one kid" to "married, two kids" - which is a fairly large mental adjustment for me, whatever the reason.

Anyway, long-winded intro aside, there are several key things the seminar highlights that have struck me (they struck me nearly 3 years ago as well, but this time they fairly pounded me over the head). One of those is the speaker's comment that too many of us live our lives thinking:

If I have to ask, it doesn't mean anything (or as much). I shouldn't have to ask if he/she loves me.

It struck me hard, because I was raised in a home (lovingly, to be sure), where that sentiment was oft repeated. "I shouldn't have to tell you, you should just know." Of course, it was probably uttered in relation to the fact that I hadn't gotten around to doing the chores that were clearly explained/posted/expected. However, I internalized it as, "Because you are a part of this family, you should just know what is expected."

The obvious problem is that neither I, nor anyone else that I know of, can read minds. And yet, I, and probably a lot of others, go through life assuming that if someone loves us he/she should just know what I need or want. And if, heaven forbid, I actually have to vocalize those needs/wants/expectations to get someone to recognize them, it is null and void.

Put that way it sounds so obvious. Apparently it's not obvious enough, however, since I can still hear that childhood refrain, "I shouldn't have to tell you, you should just know."

I'm working on replacing it with vocal expectations, prefaced with, "I would appreciate it if..." or "It would mean a lot if..." or "I could use some help with ..."

Of course, on day one I caught myself thinking, "Himself should know I'm trying to be better at verbalizing things ... after all the CD has been playing over and over for days."

Ooops.