All of our agents are busy right now ...

Baby Girl's social security card hasn't ever shown up.

Today, I finally had the half hour necessary to remain on hold to find out what I can do about it.

"Welcome to the SSA, blah blah blah about our website. For English speak/say one." Okay. Easy enough.

"Blah blah blah about our website and all the fabulous things you can do there. Let me go through some options."
It gives me a list of options for things I can do through the automated process or over the website. Locating your baby's social security card is not one of them. I hit zero, hoping I can cut through the automated nonsense and speak to a real live government drone.

"I'm sorry. That is not an option." At this point, I'm using my handsfree system in my car, driving up State Street on my way to a meeting. Frustrated, I yell, "I just want to talk to an operator!"

The voice-activated system says, "Just one moment and we'll transfer you to an agent." SUCCESS! Except, I forgot I was talking to the government - and the SSA generates almost as much red tape as the IRS.

"We're sorry. All of our agents are busy now. Let me blah blah blah about our website and everything you can do through the automated drone." Which knocks me back into the system I just left - which still doesn't have an option for finding out what happened to Baby Girl's social security card. I yell in frustration, "I just want to talk to an agent!!"

"We're sorry. All of our agents are busy now. Let me blah blah blah about our website ... if you would like to continue holding, please press or say 2."

Of course, I follow the command, which immediately says, "Thank you for calling the SSA. We're sorry we are unable to help you at this time. Goodbye."

At this point I'm staring straight at the state capitol and have half a mind to march myself in there (my meeting was across the street) and find out how on earth I can talk to a real, live government SSA drone. I refrain.

Two hours later, after the meeting, I try again. This time, miracle of miracles, I get through to hold music. Elevator music has never sounded so good in my life. Thirty minutes later, it's not sounding so good. Finally, a real, live government drone gets on the phone. I explain that Baby Girl has never received a social security card. (My comments, or rather what I would have LIKED to have said, follow the SSA drone's statements).

"Well, Baltimore issued her a number." Um, that's nice, but she doesn't have a card.

"Maybe you moved?" No. Not since she was born. What I'm really worried about is that the card was swiped and someone else is being Baby Girl and using her SSN. The nurses at the hospital told us that the postal carriers were not allowed to deliver to a mailbox that didn't have our last name on it somewhere, for just that reason.

"Well, ma'am, there isn't any way I can tell to where the card was sent or if it is being used by someone else. But I wouldn't worry about it. The envelope says right on it 'if this person doesn't live here, please return to sender'." Um, right, and that is going to deter someone from stealing someone else's identity. Who can I talk to to make sure it isn't being used?

"Ma'am, that isn't going to happen ... the envelope says right on it ... I don't know who would steal it." Um, I live on a BUSY, five-lane street. My mailbox doesn't have a lock. I realize it's a far cry, but it was supposed to be here WEEKS ago. You say it was issued and sent - so where did it go?

I resign myself to just trying to get her a new card and then worrying about identity theft.

"You have to request a new one. We sent you one, which you should have received if you gave the correct address. You have to fill out a form. It will take 6-12 weeks to arrive." Okay, but what if the SAME problem happens again? That's what I was told the FIRST time I filled out the form. I was told to call if it didn't arrive.

"Well, there is nothing we can do here. The card is issued in Baltimore." Fine. Can I go online and do it?

"Yes. Print out Form XYZ and send it in. But Baby Girl is going to need identification." SHE IS 12 WEEKS OLD - what kind of ID does an infant have? What about her birth certificate?

"I'm sorry. That is not an acceptable form of identification." It's her birth certificate - the only thing I own with her official name on it. I had to use MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE to get a driver's license (which, by the way, IS acceptable identification - unless you're 12 weeks old). I also used it to get my social security card changed when I got married (along with my driver's license). They didn't need ID the FIRST TIME I filled out the form (when she was 2 days old).

"I'm sorry. You'll have to provide some other form of ID." Like, what, exactly? "You can have her pediatrician write a letter, stating she's a patient, last seen on xyz. Make sure it's on letterhead." Okay fine. Whatever. Because my pediatrician has time to vouch for my child being mine.

"Oh yes. And since she's too little to request her own replacement card, you will need to submit ID." Okay, so I'll enclose a copy of my driver's license.

"Ma'am, we can't take copies." Um, you told me I could SEND it in. How can I SEND an original of my driver's license or other ID?

"Well, you can't send in a copy. You'll have to come to our office then." And then what? You can give me a new card?

"No. Baltimore issues the cards. You have to come in and show your ID and Baby Girl's ID and we'll send the form on to Baltimore." Do I need to actually bring my baby?

"Well, it would be helpful...you know, because you don't want anyone representing her fraudulently and using her SSN for identity theft..."

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I am so not having this conversation again. *Banging my head repeatedly.*
No wonder new mothers go insane.