Killer Kleenexes

My family spent last weekend with us and lovingly shared their germs. Try as we might to remain germ-free, both Baby Girl and I ended up with viruses. Her's manifested as a cold. Mine (as typical, due to a congenital sinus defect) manifested as a minor (though still horrid) sinus infection.

Neither of us are sleeping. Neither of us want to eat, but one of us is way too skinny (not me) to not be eating. Both of us are inhaling saline solution with great regularity. One of us gets to have her "snoogers" sucked out of her via a bulb syringe. The other has the only-slightly-more-appealing option of blowing her snoogers into a tissue.

I made a trek to Target today, because Baby Girl is out of diapers (a testament to how lousy I feel). While there, I discovered something I didn't know existed: Killer Kleenexes.

I'm probably the only idiot on the planet who didn't realize Kleenex makes anti-viral tissues. In a hurry, I threw the box into the cart and went to the checkout (where it was abundantly clear to the cashier that an adult had a cold of some sort and an infant was in dire need of half the baby care aisle - one should not go to Target when ill, hungry, bored or anytime one doesn't have a money tree in the backyard).

Curious about the "killer" properties of the tissues, I actually read the box when I got back to the office. It says,

"Kleenex Anti-Viral tissue has three soft layers, including a moisture-activated middle layer that kills 99.9% of cold and flu viruses in the tissue within 15 minutes ... See below for anti-viral details.

The "see below" portion tells one which viruses the tissues kill, but not HOW they are killed or WHAT kills them.

Still not satiated, I read the ingredients (Does anyone else find this humorous? A tissue box with ingredients?):

Citric Acid .... 7.51%
Sodium Lauryl Sulfate ... 2.02%
Inert ingredients ... 90.47% (ie all the stuff they use to make the non-lethal tissues, I suppose)

Okay - so my killer tissues have Vitamin C and the stuff they use in toothpaste and shampoo to make it lather (which, by the way, is also a known skin irritant if used in large quantities - just what I want in my tissues that are wiping an already angry nose).

Since when does Vitamin C and a lathering/cleansing agent kill viruses? Does that mean when I used to use lemon juice to lighten my hair and then shampoo it out, that I was killing viruses on my head? If I eat candy bubbles (which contain SLS) and drink orange juice at the same time that I'll kill viruses inside me? How about washing my dishes in water with Vitamin C tablets and dishsoap (another product with SLS)?

Being no chemist (and not sure I even want to know the answer), I am stumped.

I do find it humorous that Killer Kleenexes come with "Directions for Use," indicating that I could go to a federal prision if I use the Killer Kleenexes as something other than for which they were intended. Just in case one decides to kill something other than viruses with said tissues, I suppose.

Who knew you'd ever find a Federal Warning, Vitamin C and Tissues all in the same package? Regardless, it makes a great case for sticking with plain ol' toilet paper, which is standard tissue fare in the Hobbit Hole.