How Online Pizza Would Save the World

Himself dropped a bomb tonight - he came home, forgetting his plans to pick up dinner, empty-handed. I had thawed nothing out, settling down for a long night of working to ensure I'm caught up when Baby Girl makes her entrance.

I gave him the evil eye - one of the disadvantages of cooking relatively exotic cuisine is I have nothing in my "need dinner in under 5 minutes repertoire" - especially the day before grocery day. He then dropped the bomb, "Well, let's order Chinese or Pizza."

WHAT?! Did aliens abduct my husband? The one who professes (loudly) to LOATHE pizza, who only tolerates Chinese upon first having the recommendation of 67 people and proof that it is more than just meat dipped in batter and covered in a "choose your own sauce?" The only take-out we've ever ordered in the last 8 1/2 years is Thai. Ever.

His response, "Well, I tried pizza the other day - it wasn't so bad." Um yes, but that was gourmet pizza, which doesn't deliver to the Hobbit Hole.

Still in shock, I pulled up the local Papa John's online. I have an affinity for Papa John's because they make online ordering a snap. I wasn't in the mood to deal with pizza-ordering-by-phone and my pregnant rear end is not leaving the couch tonight except to pee.

I gleefully entered in our order, my fingers whizzing over the keys - delighting in the fact that Papa John's actually understands the fact that while Himself is agreeing to pizza, he wants it HIS way. Additionally, I am quite possibly more picky about pizza than any other food. And we only wanted one pizza.

I get through the order with no hassle - Spinach Alfredo Deluxe - hold the bacon, sausage on one half (yuck), tomatoes on the other (guess which half was mine). I hit "submit" and ...

..."Server Failure." No matter. I try again. Same thing. I call to Himself that he will need to order the pizza on his own over the phone. He groans. I point out the fact that the phone is in the other room and my rear end is not leaving the couch unless I have to pee (which I would have to do if I stood up to get the phone).

He dials. He gives our address. The Hobbit Hole has an easy address. Then Himself adds "it's the basement, use the back door." He repeats it several different times, several different ways. Finally he rolls his eyes and sighs. He looks at me.

"The pizza guy put me on hold so he could figure out how to put "basement" in the system."

Pizza Man comes back on. There is more repitition, more gnashing of teeth and rolling of eyes.

Then we get to the ordering. I knew it was going to be a problem - who orders an Alfredo pizza with sausage? Who removes a topping and gets two different toppings - but only on half (the sausage better not cross the half line!)? Apparently Pizza Man thought that too. Another 10 minutes of Himself trying to clarify how we wanted our pizza. Finally I said, "if the tomatoes are screwing things up, they can forget those." Himself sighed and rolled his eyes some more. Five minutes later, Pizza Man said he got it, and we sat down to wait for our pizza.

Half an hour passes. I see Pizza Man (a different one, obviously), outside, walking up the driveway. Here's where I pause to inform you that there are only TWO doors to the Hobbit Hole - the front door (in the front) and the back door (in the back). Highly confusing. Pizza Man walks around to the back. I yell for Himself, who says "He can ring the bell" (the poor guy hasn't ordered pizza in so long he forgets how traumatic it is and is still recovering). No bell rings.

I see Pizza Man head back down the driveway toward the front. Himself sighs again. Then Pizza Man spends 5 minutes deliberating while our pizza gets cold (I'm speculating here - but he DID disappear for 5 minutes). Up the driveway he comes again toward the back door. This time he rings the bell. Himself rescues our pizza. We take bets on what, exactly, we got on our pizza.

Not too bad ... but not exactly right, though we ate it anyway. The Spinach Alfredo Deluxe comes with bacon, onions and mushrooms, but no chicken (that is the "Chicken Spinach Alfredo"). We asked for no bacon. We didn't get bacon, neither did we get mushrooms for some odd reason, but my half did have chicken (and tomatoes. Himself's half had sausage (which had crept over to my side - gross!), so he was satsified, though he protested loudly about the missing mushrooms.

We polished off the entire pizza and decided that next time, if online ordering doesn't work, we're getting Chinese.