Confessions of the Anti-Social Neurotic

The past several weeks have been weeks of deep pondering and sleeping. Not necessarily productive, though two major holidays were included in there, so my slothfulness must be forgiven to some degree.

In the past month, I've become a virtual cipher. Completely and utterly anti-social. I wish I could say it's abnormal for me - it's not. I was born to envy people who were social, but when left to my own, I take the path of least resistence and remain woefully socially inept. (On a side note, I've also stopped cooking, much to Himself's dismay. I have made two full meals in the last 15 days. Alarming, no?)

Recently, while perusing an online forum I participate in, the topic came up of Female Friendships and whether or not we had them. Someone posted, "I try and try and give and give and extend invitation upon invitation in friendships, and I always end up with friends who seem to never give back."

Knife through heart. I'm certain my guilty pangs were prompted by my last-minute call to beg off to a friend's birthday dinner the night before. I didn't feel well. It was more mental not feeling well than anything else, but I loathed the thought of being social - of having to make small talk and listen to half-drunken mindlessness. I started to think about it. It's nothing new. I can fake it relatively well, but I've always been an INTJ:

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness",
of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for
simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather
than a general nature.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can
be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others
(usually a select few) ... the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so
successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal
situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the
social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less
understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types
consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are
usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well,
which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental
problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense.

I care deeply for people - I whisper silent prayers of help for someone, have grand longings to be the sweet, charitable woman and defend all I feel need defending. I think of people - friends, strangers, colleagues, family members - often. But I loathe the telephone, hate to feel like a burden or as if I am interfering, and find myself having deep and meaningful conversations via e-mail more than in person. I get irritated with people lacking common sense and have no time for shallow relationships. I accept, but don't reciprocate social invitations because I am loathe to be the center of attention, even if it means playing host. (Oddly, I plan extensive and elaborate events at work and thoroughly enjoy it However, I don't have to host. I get to dress in black and remain the background, directing a silent symphony of events, caterers, musicians, props and people.)

In short, I think I am the kind of woman this person posted about. I feel oddly guilty about it - perhaps because in writing, it makes me sound so harsh or uncaring, and I know that isn't the truth. If no one else realizes it, I apologize.

To make amends, I am going to set up that Starbucks run a neighbor and I have been e-mailing back and forth about. I will be social tonight...for a little while. Then I am bounding back home to sleep the sleep of the incredibly exhausted.